Spouses

Spouses, 2018

Marriage is a strange thing. My first one ended in a hot mess. Too young, too immature, too selfish, too prideful, you name it, we had it. Back then, I knew all the things we were doing wrong, but we couldn't figure out how to do anything right. So after more than a decade, I left... bruised to the core and heavily chipped on the shoulders.

There I was, rocked with pain. I was an emotional wreck yet I had to keep going because my sons depended on my sanity. God felt distant, but the reality was that it was I who actually withdrew from his love. I was blinded by my own pain, anger and guilt. Yet God gently pursued me using the people in my life group to give me counsel and shower me with their prayers. My family and life group at church became my anchors. Eventually, I found myself among the living once again. It had taken what seemed like a very, very long time.

When I felt ready to be in a relationship again, I read plenty of self-help books. I wasn't going to go through another divorce and dadgumit, I will be choosing the right man this time. "Never settle. If you do, settle for only the best!" became my mantra.

Unfortunately, many books left me conflicted. The Rules, Martian Men and Venusian Women, creating lists, and so many differing theories and advice did not help my dating life. I couldn't remember all of them anyway. Most men didn't meet the criteria of my mile long list of must-haves. And those that met my requirements found me falling short of their own pre-requisites.

Every first date left me more cynical to say the least. However, deep down I felt that God was going to answer my prayers despite my long list. I had a non-negotiable section that focused on character, faith, shared values, and beliefs. Then I had a section on practical characteristics that my life partner should have. This was tricky because I felt that I needed to have the same characteristics. How can I want somebody who was patient if I wasn't patient? I found myself asking if I was truly kind because I wanted to be with someone who was kind as well. So it was also a journey of a growth mindset. I needed to be the best version of me. The last section was a wish list. And of course, one of the items dealt with physical attractiveness. I figured that if I'm going to wake up to this person everyday, he might as well be eye candy.

I didn't share my list with anybody because it was an extravagant list. I didn't want to be judged. hahaha. But I continued to pray and date. I trusted God and I held firm on my non-negotiables. I already knew that marriage was going to take work and I wanted a partner who would work alongside me.

So after being a single mom for 14 years, I met God's best for me. Except for one characteristic, he met every line item on my list and then some.

While it would be nice to say that we lived happily ever after, I could say that we come close to that almost every day.

This artwork is about my marriage. The leaves symbolize how our relationship continuously evolves and grows even while patterns in our marriage become evident. The crows represent the challenges and annoyances that show up and threaten the delicate dance of being individuals yet living life together as one. I drew my husband as the lion for his obvious attributes as my protector and pillar of strength. And then there's me, the contented cat relaxing on his back without a care in the world.

To be honest, there are days when I get unhinged and become a crazy lion. It is in those moments that my husband, the shapeshifter, becomes the cat - steady, relaxed, and unperturbed. He patiently adapts, waits and calmly draws me out from the throes of witchly insanity to a place of peace and understanding. Yes, every day, I thank my Father for blessing me with this amazing man.

So to all the lonely singles out there, be encouraged! As you continue to trust in God and as you continue to grow in becoming the best version of yourself, continue to believe that God is also preparing your future spouse before he/she meets you. And then it’s only a matter of timing.

P.S. This piece is not one of my favorites. The lion's proportions are all wrong. I posted it anyway because it’s a learning experience in drawing. This image kept knocking in my head so I had to get it out even with its flaws. Perhaps I may revisit the idea again one day, for now it sleeps in the barn.