The Best Gift

Dawg, 2018

What kind of gift do you get for a person who practically has everything and could afford anything? 

In a world where gift-giving is a tradition, how do you give a loved one, who wants for nothing, something meaningful? It begs the question, “Why even bother giving a gift?” I’m not an expert on humans but here are my thoughts. 

In general, we all have an inherent need in us to feel loved and to show love. (Again, I say, “in general.” I’m not talking about psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists). While not all of us need gifts to feel loved, just the mere thought that someone took the time to get us a gift can fill us up with the warm fuzzies.

But this relational transaction is not only about the receiver but it’s also about the giver as well. The simple act of giving can fulfill the desire of the giver to show love and appreciation. 

So if you’re the giver, what do you do when faced with the dilemma of finding the “perfect” gift for the person who has everything? One tip is to start early. My aunts and sister are experts on this, as was my mother. They would buy gifts throughout the year (sometimes for a specific person in mind already). List or no list, they are always ready. The have closets full of gifts for any special occasion that comes up. Yes, some of the gifts could be considered generic but since they had time on their side, every purchase was thoughtfully bought and would match a certain personality. A shirt that you got wasn’t just a plain shirt - it would be funny, unique and you would actually wear it. The belt you received isn’t just from Walmart, it’s actually cool and stylish.

In one article that I’ve read, it says that when you think about the person’s interests and favorites, think about how you can give a gift on a deeper level. Why? Because if that person is a wine connoisseur and you’re not, you run the risk of buying a bottle of wine that maybe mediocre to that person’s taste. Yes, it’s the thought that does count, but how can you make this more special? Do a little bit of research on the best wine that fits into your budget and write a note. Yes, use a pen and paper! I’m not saying to write a three-page letter, but a short note telling that person why you appreciate him/her. A meaningful handwritten note takes your gift up a notch. 

“But I don’t have time for that!” you say. If you’re okay with buying gifts on the run, then read no further. But if you want to make some gift-giving changes with the important people of your life, read on.  

List down the names of people that you would like to give special treatment. Start your list small - perhaps 5-10 names. Don’t stress yourself out by including all your co-workers, friends and relatives. You can always add to your list later. Think of key people who continue to make an impact in your life.

Most of us have smartphones. Use your calendar and give yourself a 1-2 week reminder lead time before a person’s birthday to give you some time to do your research and write your note. If you front load the work now, it gets easier later. If your budget is tight, make something - a collage, a handmade card or better yet, bake something. You know this person very well, so you can think about all the things that he/she enjoys and use that as a jumping point. Hands down, the best gifts I’ve ever received were ones that I know the person put a lot of effort either into buying it or making it and yes, writing that note. I have a box of letters that date back many years ago because these people took the time to write me a meaningful note.

So why am I writing all this? Last month I was faced with the same crisis. I only realized that my husband’s birthday was coming up with only a week left to plan. Now to be clear, Robert’s love language is not receiving gifts, nor is mine. So gift-giving is a skill that I need to improve on. His primary love language is words of affirmation. So I knew I was going to write a letter. But I also want to give him something just to surprise him. 

Robert’s mom, Nancy, passed away a few years ago. Sometime during the task of clearing out her belongings, his sisters sent us Nancy’s old pieces of jewelry. Most of them were odds and ends. Back then, I asked Robert if I could use them for art since no one else wanted them. He said yes and they remained in a drawer until the week before his birthday. 

I couldn’t bother with sketches because I didn’t even know what to make with the materials that I had. That, and I was on a time crunch. I used Nancy’s earrings and bracelet to form the basic features of my sculpture. I manipulated wire, watch parts and texturized strips of leather that Robert and I acquired from our estate sale dates. I used stones from my mom’s old necklace for the legs. For the base, I found a scrap piece of wood in our backyard which I sanded and sealed. I am no carpenter but I learned from watching Robert refurbish old furniture on his spare time. It took me a day to sand and seal this small piece of wood. It was tiring and the wood still has rough spots. Man, do I have a healthy respect for craftsmen! 

Robert has a wry sense of humor and can be sarcastic. Some people get annoyed with this combination, yet for some reason, his dry wit often leaves me in stitches of laughter. Some of the sarcastic things he says have became a private running joke between us. So I made little signs of them. 

Robert cracked up when he opened his present. The sculpture was quirky but it was also about him, his mom, my mom, and us - all in one composition. 

So how did I come up with this sculpture of a dog? My best guess is that when I was making the piece, I was pining for a dog. At that time, I haven’t owned a dog in more than 10 years. Yet no matter how much I wished for a dog and no matter how many times Robert told me to just get one, I knew that deep in my heart I was not ready for the responsibility. I wanted to be a great dog owner - someone who took their dog on daily walks despite rain and cold; someone who trained their dog consistently; someone who picked up a dog’s poop nonchalantly; and someone who can provide medical care for the dog without flinching at the cost. I’m wasn’t there yet, but the desire was there and so perhaps that’s why this dog showed up in my work. 

While not all of us can call ourselves crafters, we all have skills. And it doesn’t have to be artsy ones. Use that skill to create something meaningful whether it’s an object or an experience. If you’re a great cook, how about preparing or baking an amazing dish for that awesome person. You can also give inexpensive experiential gifts that you can do together such as visiting a row of art galleries or museums on admission free days; exploring a nearby town; visiting antique shops and thrift stores. And the list goes on and on. 

The bottom line is that gift-giving need not be expensive. And as I grow older and realize that my time on earth is limited, I want to be able to show gratitude and love in different ways including giving gifts/experiences that go beyond a generic tool set from Home Depot or lotion from Target. Today, I will follow my own advice and start with a shortlist of birthdays with a 2-week reminder lead and a two-month lead time for the Christmas season. Yikes! Somebody, hold me accountable!

Ultimately, there is no single material gift that is more precious that what you already possess - time. You and I have the ability to create those opportunities not just on father’s/mother’s day, birthdays and Christmas. If we really want to prioritize it, expressing our love can be done all throughout the year. Make time for the people you love and you won’t regret it.

P.S. My brother-in-law is another one who makes my brain ache trying to find something for him. He loves mountain biking, so for this Christmas, we are giving him a gift card (gasp!) to one of his favorite outdoor shops (Shhhh, he doesn’t know this blog exists.). Except for bikes, we don’t know what gear he already owns. This just makes it easier for him to buy the next gear he fancies. But to make it personal, I made him a small assemblage sculpture. I know the picture is not that clear, but I made a small bike using wire and dials of old watches that came from, you guessed it - estate sales. And no, they did not come from authentic Rolex watches. Hahaha.